Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact or sexual attention committed by force, threats, bribes, manipulation, pressure, tricks or violence. It includes rape and attempted, rape, child molestation, incest and sexual harassment. Sexual assault is a terrifying and often brutal crime; assailants can be strangers, acquaintances, friends or family members. The devastating effects are shared by victims and those who love them.

A rape occurs every six minutes in the U.S., according to FBI research. Rape is a crime of violence, anger and power. It is not motivated by sexual desire. Rapists use sexual violence as a weapon to control, humiliate and hurt their victims. Anyone can become a victim, because victims are selected for their vulnerability and not their attractiveness, appearance or behavior. Sexual assault of any type is never the victim's fault. No one ever "asks for" or deserves to be sexually assaulted.

Sexual Assault Hurts Us All

If someone you love has been sexually assaulted, you know how much she/he has been hurt. As a loved one you suffer too. You are probably feeling many of the same emotions the victim feels-- powerlessness, anger, guilt, depression and fear.

Sexual assault creates a crisis for loved ones as well as for victims. Recovery can take a long time and depends on many factors. Those closest to the victim can influence how successful recovery will be. To best help the victim, it is important that you understand her/his reactions as well as your own so that you will be able to give love and support when it is needed most.

The Victim's Reaction

Sexual assault is always traumatic and those who survive often have severe stress reactions similar to those of people who have survived other life-threatening events, such as war or natural disaster. There are four stages of reaction to a sexual assault:

Crisis Stage: In the hours and days immediately following the assault, shock and denial are common reactions. It's hard to believe the assault really happened and difficult to understand why. The victim may feel strong emotions and appear visibly disturbed, crying, shaking or even fainting. Or she/he may be in shock, feel no emotion at all, and seem calm and composed or even cold and detached. All these reactions are normal. During the crisis stage, the most common emotion is fear--fear of the attacker returning, of being alone, of places like the one where the assault occurred or of people who remind the victim of the attacker. Victims often feel angry, depressed, confused and irritable. Many also feel guilty, ashamed and "dirty" because they believe the myths that blame victims for the assault. There are many physical reactions after a sexual assault, including pain, soreness, eating and sleeping disturbances. Some sexual assault victims may want to talk about their experience soon afterwards; others may wait until much later or may never feel comfortable talking about it. Some victims do not want to be touched after an assault and others want increased physical affection.

Denial Stage: During this stage, the victim may deny any effects from the assault and may assure you that things are fine. This may be because she/he thinks everyone is tired of hearing about the assault or because the victim is trying to shut out the pain and get back to "normal." In an effort to put the assault behind her/him, the victim may also want to change lifestyles, jobs or residences. This stage can be brief or can last for many years. Sometimes while in the denial stage, victims may turn to harmful things (alcohol, drugs, overeating or overworking) to enable them to numb their feelings and go on.

Suffering Stage: This stage is when the reality of the assault sinks in. It is characterized by depression and feelings of loss. The victim's sense of security and control over her/his life has been devastated. Common reactions include fear, nightmares, changes in sleeping and eating, sexual problems, physical aches and pains, difficulty concentrating and loss of interest in usual activities. Anger, guilt, and shame are common. Victims may have frequent, disturbing memories of the assault and "flashbacks," when it seems the assault is happening again. This stage is very painful for victims. Mood swings are common and it is not unusual for victims to misdirect anger towards loved ones or themselves at this time.

Resolution Stage: This stage begins when the victim starts the long-term process of resolving her/his feelings about the sexual assault, the attacker and her/himself. The goal of this stage is to move from "victim" to "survivor" and to integrate the sexual assault as an accepted, although painful, event in one's life. If integration is not achieved, the survivor may continue to have problems in many life areas. Although all sexual assault survivors pass through the four stages of healing, the passage is not always smooth or straightforward. A survivor may be in two stages at the same time, may return to a previous stage for a time, or get stuck in one stage. The Sexual Assault Crisis Center can help with information, counseling and support during any stage of recovery.

Your Reaction

Disbelief: Family and friends may react to the sexual assault of a loved one with many of the same feelings and physical reactions that the survivor experiences. Initially you may respond with shock and disbelief, especially if the survivor still looks the same or there are no visible signs of attack. You may even doubt that the assault happened. This is called "denial" and it happens after a traumatic experience.

Fear: You may feel intense fear for your own or the survivor's safety. You may try to protect her/him from future assault by being extremely cautious and over-protective. It may be hard to let the survivor out of your sight or to let her/him return to everyday activities. All this concern may be reassuring soon after the assault, but too much caution on your part can make it difficult for the survivor to feel capable and in control again.

Anger: Often loved ones experience anger and even rage after a sexual assault. Your first reaction may be to seek revenge--to find and kill the attacker. This is a normal feeling, but you will not be doing yourself or the survivor any good if you end up hurt or in jail and she/he has to worry about you. Sometimes you may feel anger towards the survivor, especially if she/he did something you warned against, like hitchhiking or going to a party that ended in sexual assault. If you find yourself blaming the survivor for the assault, make sure that you have someone other than the survivor who can listen to your angry feelings. Remember, even if the survivor used poor judgment, it is the attacker who committed the crime and who is totally responsible for it.

Depression: It is not unusual to feel hopeless and depressed. A sexual assault brings up feelings of powerlessness in victims and those who love them, and you may feel that your life is out of control. Your security and trust have been drastically violated. If depression lasts for more than a few weeks or becomes serious, get support for yourself.

Guilt: Guilt is a common reaction when a loved one has been sexually assaulted. Those closest to the survivor may blame themselves. But whatever you did or did not do, you are not to blame if someone you love has been sexually assaulted. It is solely the fault of the attacker. Instead of wasting time blaming yourself for something you had absolutely no control over, concentrate on the positive things you can do now.